if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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