Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
