I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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