I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
