he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
