I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
