I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
