I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So vagazzling was a success
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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