Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Life is so much better after having sex.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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