Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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