he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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