did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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