sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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