Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
