Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Even my vagina gasped.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
