Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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