Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
