He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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