My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
