The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
