Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
