sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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