Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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