Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
