I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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