dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
