i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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