there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
