if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
