You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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