Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My dick has a subreddit
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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