he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
