just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize