Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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