I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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