my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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