just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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