so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
