i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
