the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
