dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
