just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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