I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
