the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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