I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
