I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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