Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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