I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
