If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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