ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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