I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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