I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
