he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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