It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
