I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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