On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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